Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My dream is to quit my design job, and start my own business. When I say I want my own business, what I mean is that I want to be my own brand: IvivaEmbroiders, Iviva Fiber Artist, Iviva Olenick, etc.
Right now, I feel as though I have three jobs: a full-time job as a designer for a menswear company; an artist; and an embroidery workshops teacher. I love everything I do, but I am always thinking about my other jobs when I am engaged in one of them. This causes me stress. I don't feel satisfied. I feel as if I cannot give everything of myself in any one situation, and I am constantly drained and frustrated. It isn't fair to me, or my students, that I feel this way.
I need to make a change, and am working towards being my own boss.
Thank you to the friends and family members who believe in my work. Thank you to the friends I feel comfortable enough with to share my hopes and ideas.
In my late twenties, a year out of a relationship, I met someone who absolutely captivated me. He was a writer, and was lustful, imaginative, and emotionally unstable.
Our dating relationship was brief. He both pulled me in and pushed me away. He said one thing and did another. It was a classically bad situation, a waste of my energy, and a waste of an otherwise brilliant guy.
"I wanted him to spend the night. He grabbed my shoulders and said, "In you is everything you need to be happy," and left me standing alone in the doorway.
Monday, October 19, 2009
In 2005, I spent a month in a studio program at the School of Visual Arts. Since I never actually went to art school, this experience helped give me insight into peer reviews as well as critiques from professional artists.
I ended up meeting some terrific friends who continue to be a part of my artist network. Andrew Thornton was in the same cohort as me. Since we met, he has been an unofficial press agent for me, promoting my artwork and exhibits on his blog. I can't thank you enough, Andrew, for your support and encouragement and generosity.
I learned recently that Andrew is about to leave New York for a new adventure. In an email he described to me his relationship with New York, and I instantly fell in love with what he'd written:
"My relationship with New York is like an abusive one... it beats me up, takes all my money, and I run away vowing never to return... but oddly enough come crawling back, begging for more."
Andrew, this piece here is for you. Thanks so much!
Friday, October 16, 2009
I've been running since I was fourteen and joined my high school's track team. 20 years later, running has taken on new meaning for me. I love it. I dream about it. Everything feels heightened when I run - thoughts, sensations, memories. I especially love a challenge: wind, rain, difficult terrain.
Last spring, I went into a running craze. I was gradually increasing mileage, and my runs were primarily on hilly areas and on broken sidewalks. I had to dodge dogs, bikes, construction, broken glass, ambling pedestrians.
Around the time my runs deepened, I also had to extricate myself from someone I really loved. To this day, I know for certain he does not get how I was feeling. I finally figured this out recently. My devotion to running was somehow tied to my devotion to the idea of him. I know the two were connected.
Now, it's finally cool enough for running to feel right again. My body has healed from a torn muscle, a tiny muscle that connects the pelvis to the thigh, and from some distress to my pelvic bone (if it sounds painful, it was -- I could barely sit for three months).
I have a different perspective on the man I was running to and from as well.
When I meet other runners who say they've stopped running because of an injury, I tell them I've had injuries, too, and that a break from running is like a breakup from someone you love dearly and are used to being with nearly every day. I finally realize that my relationship with running is a marriage. I plan to be running as long as I can stand and walk. There may be periods that are more intense than others, years when I run farther and faster, in more difficult locales. But I will always run.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sometimes, my fantasies of a person are as vivid as a relationship. I wonder sometimes if this prevents me from moving on once a relationship has changed or ended?
I also know from painful experience that each person experiences a relationship differently. It astounds me that people can stay together for years, like my parents, who are about to hit their 40th anniversary. There must be enough overlap in their perceptions of their daily lives and their deeper spiritual connection for it to work. I have never experienced that, and still feel puzzled by most of my dating experiences. I sometimes feel as if there is no one on the other end. I wonder if this will ever change. I still struggle with feeling like my perceptions of given situations are far from what the man on the other side is experiencing. Does this mean I am too imaginative? Or have I simply met many single yet unavailable men?
Piece at top left: I wear your memories and dance with your ghost.